What?

With every movement it feels like my head is being filled with air, making my head feel pressured. Each time I move it it feels like my brain is only slightly touching my skull. My eyes feel sore releasing a behind the eye headache that intensifies with each blink. They’re probably bloodshot but I can’t tell because the light only makes it worse. My stomach feels full but starving and is grumbling with anger. My heart is either beating slower or faster, I can’t tell. I just feel sick, not I’m gonna throw up but like it might just never stop. I need reality and this isn’t it. i can’t begin to explain how I feel and I hate it. My hands are shaking and I told myself I didn’t want to die, even though I know that’s not what this is. I’m still scared…less so now. Nothing’s wrong. I need reality.

And now I’m starting to confuse myself. Sorry.

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Lost and Confused

There’s a saying out there that says writing about what you know is what makes a good writer. I, however, think it’s about risk and doing what you want not what others want.

So today, I’m sharing what I don’t know.

I was asked the other day if I was in love with my best friend. I lied. It’s like that feeling in your chest that you want to cry and that you’re scared but there’s absolutely no tears. 

I wouldn’t know what love is if it slapped me across the face. I’ve heard definitions of love and what it means to other people..but everyone is different.

He changed my life and maybe it was a huge waste of time, but it’s my time. 

The problem is that he doesn’t know if I’m worth that risk. That if it happens everything he’s known will come crashing down and why would anyone want to ruin something so special? 

If  he asks what my opinion is…about if it’s me or her. I will choose her. I’m not selfish. I’ve lived my whole life not needing anyone in my life. The type of girl that has to figure everything out by herself. But I’m just fooling myself. 

It’s like the end of an era, the end of something that gave me so many memories. Sometimes when you don’t want something to end, it does anyway out of your control. You learn to deal, you learn to live a new life. And maybe I’ll find my way.

There’s a point in time when you just know that something is about to end. And you won’t know if it was for the better..but that’s a part of living. One journey after another. 

Some believe that if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. I believe you have to make your own destiny. People, choices and hard time will hit you hard, push past. Remember but live. Do what you want. Be who you are. Learn. I can’t tell you how important that is to remember. 

I’m still finding my way.

Fellow Writers,

Fellow Writers, 

if there are any, I just need a say a little something. 

I recently read a book called Across the Universe by Beth Revis and it was amazing, let me tell you. And it’s not my type of thing, I usually go for books that involve teen romance that encounter unlikely experiences and have these amazing things happen that keeps my hopes high and my expectations even higher. I think it might be because that’s what I strive for..it’s what I want.

This book was almost all sci-fi, but not confusing in the least. It’s consistent and mind raveling and riveting. I have never and I never thought I’d cry over a book, cried. I always thought it was silly, but I can’t even describe it. It’s like you get so attached to a character that when they’re gone, you’re not entirely sure how the book could go on without them. How can the author kill off a character that means so much?

This is the struggle with my writing, I grow too attached to a character that when I think of something legitimately good to write about it, it has to grow on me. It’s like I have to constantly think about so that I, as the writer, can get used to the idea before my readers do. I have to believe it before they do. Maybe I’m not the only one though, maybe that’s what some of the process is for all writers, why it takes so long. 

There’s a whole other issue though. My short story that I’ve been working on, and it’s sequel for almost three years, is anonymous. I’m still afraid to put my name on it, granted it is under my first name but no one knows that it’s me. I don’t know if I’m good enough or brave enough to do that. I’ve never been told I’ve been a good writer, people have said on that website that my story was good, but even I know it needs improvement. I don’t want my name on anything I’m not completely proud of. I want to be the person to be strong enough to put my name on my story and be proud of it, I want to more than anything. Most people think I quit writing a long time ago, because, although I’m almost 17, I wrote constantly when I was younger. I need to overcome this, and I know that, but this is mine..writing. So, I’m going to do it at my pace. And maybe, I can only hope, I will create something so mind boggling and genius as Across the Universe.

Thank you Beth Revis..books can really give you a whole new mind set in certain aspects. Too bad more people don’t do it.

Where it Could Go

Do you ever realize how much you think about the future? I feel like I’m just living to go to college because I can’t wait to start that new chapter in my life, no matter how terrifying the thought may be. It’s crazy to think about how things could be. I could completely change my mind about college and not go or maybe change my major. Where will I live? New York, Texas, Florida? Will I have kids or be married? It’s all in the matter of time that no one can predict. It’s up to you, you decide your future.

 

The past is a whole different thing. You can choose to dwell in it or learn from it. It’s amazing how when you start talking about your past how much it surprises you at how bad it actually was. And I realized that today. My old friend that I have just reconnected with was asking about how everything was going, and I told her. Only for her to reciprocate with “I’m sorry.” and “You live a crazy life.”. I chose to learn from my past because dwelling means holding grudges…and who has time for that? Sometimes I remember things that are hard to believe that I actually forget, because it was that bad. As time goes on, those memories begin to fade..all of them, not just the bad. But, I chose for those memories to fade and I found it amazing how it actually worked and how much control you really have over your mind.

 

It also occurred to me today that I think about getting married on day and having kids a lot. It’s what I’m used to. I was raised around family, it’s what I expect. 

 

I also know what kind of parent I want to be.I want little aspects of my parents. Ever done that? Know what qualities you want to take away from your parents and leave behind the ones you hate. I want my mom’s patients and her gratefulness. And the way she’s so strong in a way I could never be. The way she puts herself before others. But I don’t want her dramatic attitude she often makes up to be the center of attention, or the way she acts like a teenager like she doesn’t want to grow up. Or the way she freaks out over the littlest things when she’s in a mood. I want to always be there for my kids, because sometimes she can be absent and I want not to be gathered in her lies that she kept from me for so long that slowly crept out of her.

My dad is a good dad. He’s honest and persistent and brave. He’s good at little surprises and is good with words when he wants to be sweet. He encourages us, his kids, to look at the brighter things in life because he does not. But the way his anger boils up inside of him like a monster dying to come out is something that scared the shit out of me. The way he takes that anger out on the people around him. Or maybe it’s the way he brings people in and out of my life so often but expects me to get close to them, only not knowing when they’ll be ripped away again, at any second. Maybe it’s the way he treats my mom and how much he despises her..when from what I’ve heard was his to blame. I still know no real truth from their entire divorce. I don’t like how he’s so negative and stingy. Honestly, if he wasn’t my dad I couldn’t see him being a dad.

I would be honored to be these good part of my parents, but as my health teacher often points out, you take the good things a learn from the bad and change those things. I want to grow up to be a good person, this is an ultimate goal. 

 

Over Thinking

It’s truly crazy how much over thinking we do as people. We over think everything from our job, to money, to relationships, it’s sad. I think everything should come easy..but of course, that’s something that will potentially never happen. And you’d think that as people, who make up this world, would have that power.

Especially as teens we definitely over think things like boys and school. We get stressed and we can’t help but to.

What most people wouldn’t know is that I love to flirt and be around guys. But it’s hard when they don’t give you the chance. It’s like I’ve known most of the guys at my school since I was five or eleven..or whatever. So, they don’t seem that extraordinary anymore. And I’m sure it’s the same when it comes to me.

I’ve seen what people have become, things they promised they’d never do. It’s sad how people can just throw their lives away. When I entered my junior year of high school this year, I knew I had to kick some ass. I had to actually study and actually do and understand my homework and the topics. But people still think they can glide throw high school by copying each other’s homework and barely passing classes. And I’m not going to be there when they need me to give them homework to copy or answers to classwork..and I can’t wait until they get that rude awakening. It’s like my revenge fo working hard and for them to just steal my answers.

I tend to over think about my friends and guys because it’s something that worries me. Like what if I say the wrong thing and I ruin a friendship or a potential relationship. And I’ve realized that I can’t settle and I need to be myself and except myself before I can expect anyone else to do the same. And that’s what I’ve learned with this certain person. I’m not the person I was when I first met them and it hurt when he said that he missed the old me. I was mad and then I came to my senses. Since when do I care whether he likes the way I am or not? I don’t like what he’s become either. I’ve excepted that I have changed and I like the way I am. And if he can’t take that or adjust to that..then screw him and all of the others too.

People come in and out of your life like you wouldn’t believe..through changes and rough times. And we do tend to over think things, even if you won’t admit that your the kind of person that does. But it’s all apart of who we are, it’s like a common trait. It’s normal but you need to come to your senses and believe that if he didn’t text you back or just stopped talking to you out of the blue just tell yourself he’s not the one, if you believe that at first or not.

Time heals all wounds. 

Nights I Live For

Today I my high school held it’s powder puff game..seniors against juniors. 

Now I was never really good at sports, but I love being apart of something. It’s so rewarding knowing people are counting on you and need you. It’s just amazing being part of a team and to actually mean something.

Tonight are the nights I live for..it’s nights like this that I’m really going to miss my shithole school. I have to make these last two years last and I don’t care because no one will stand in my way. 

You get to a point where you’ve known these people for so long that you don’t care what they think. The people who like you like you for a reason and the ones that hate you have already made up their minds about you that it doesn’t matter. I don’t need more friends because I’m more then happy with the ones I have now. 

Rant

I haven’t written lately but maybe that’s because I’ve been drowned in homework ever since my junior year of high school started. 

 

I think it’s a complete bummer when you have an amazing summer and you have to go back to waking up at six almost every morning only to be taught things you will never understand. It makes me so frustrated that I can’t understand chemistry. Someone came up with the concept, people have passed the state exams..so why is it always so difficult for me to understand any kind of science for that matter?

I find it so repetitive that I have to keep going back to the same old school, with the same old people, in the same old town. But the thought of leaving and going to college just overwhelms me.

I’ve learned in the short three weeks I’ve been back at school that I am surely not like anyone I go to school with. I though the higher up in high school you got and the older you got was supposed to be life-changing..so why is everyone still exactly the same?

Some of my friends still feel the need to impress the people they’re around and feel the need to put others down to make them feel better. Or maybe it’s just the simple fact that all of my friends are selfish assholes who only care about themselves. It bothers me to no end when people feel the need to make others feel bad for them..if anything I’ve tried everything to prevent that.

But what’s high school without friends? If it was up to me..I’d have none..honestly. I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone just ends up hurting you anyways..and that sucks. People don’t try or stick up for me, so why should I return the favor?

I just don’t understand how I can accept who I am, but no one else can. 

And don’t get me wrong, I love certain aspects of my friend’s personalities but the majority of them are just fucking annoying as hell.